• My post-COVID depression got so bad in May that I’ve had to take a long break from work. In this free time, I’ve been reading, messing around with new frontend tech, and figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m planning to go back to work in September, by which time I hope to have all the answers to life that I’m looking for.
• While I’m no longer struggling with my mental health as much as I was three months ago, I’ve still been feeling drowsy and lethargic to the point that it’s impossible to be productive. According to my doctor, this is a lingering symptom of depression. She has put me on medication that helps me stay more alert throughout the day, which is probably the reason I’m able to write this note without falling asleep.
• When I wasn’t paying attention, React 18 was released with support for concurrent rendering. There’s ample documentation on how to use the new concurrent features, but almost none on how the features work under the hood. My goal this week is to try and understand how these features are built. If I have the energy, I might even write about them.
• There have been new developments in the continuing saga of my ill-considered purchase of a ThinkPad X1 Carbon. When I last wrote about it, I mentioned that I’d given it to my parents. It has now found its way back into my hands after I discovered that it had been collecting dust in the bottom drawer of their bedside table for three months. I’ve decided to keep it to use as my secondary computer.
• The ThinkPad makes for a pretty good writing environment. In fact, I’m writing this post on the ThinkPad in Microsoft Word. It may be blasphemous to admit this in programming circles, but I enjoy using Word for writing prose. Traditional word processors put me in the mood for writing in a way that more specialized tools like Scrivener do not (and don’t even get me started on Markdown). I still have to convert all of my writing into Markdown before I can post it to my blog, but that’s what Pandoc is for.
• I now work out of a WeWork here in Bangalore. While I have a comfortable home office, working by myself all the time gets lonely. I can’t say I enjoy the environment at WeWork very much, but it’s a small price to pay for a bit of social interaction a few times a week.

Currently playing: Vampire Survivors, Slay the Spire, and Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

Currently reading: How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler & Charles Van Doren

I wrote the following text two years ago while lying motionless on my bedroom floor. My anxiety was the worst it had ever been, leaving me unable to perform even basic everyday tasks like brushing my teeth or taking a bath. I forced myself to write this down because I wanted to remember what it felt like in that moment, and to be able to explain to people what the inside of my brain felt like.

After two years of therapy and medication, I’m in a much better place. But I never want to forget that time when a future where I could operate normally seemed impossible.

The text begins after this note. I’ve heavily edited it for clarity. If you suffer from a mental illness, this may not be pleasant to read.

Everything feels uncomfortable. Lying down is uncomfortable. Sitting on a chair is uncomfortable. Walking is uncomfortable. There’s a kind of energy in my muscles. A desire to move. To be in a different position from what they are in now. It’s like being in an airplane seat. No matter how I arrange myself, it feels wrong. Uncomfortable.

I can’t think straight. I go to the kitchen to make some food. I pick up the ingredients, but get distracted by the trash that needs to be taken out. I stand in front of the trash bin for a couple of minutes, willing myself to take it out. But I think of having to walk downstairs and come back up and wash my hands and it’s just too much. I go back to the cooking. I realize I forgot the recipe. I pull out my phone. I grab a bag of chips to eat. There’s a new notification on Twitter. I remember I wanted to install the Twitter app on my phone. I go to my computer and watch a 30 minute video about a new game. I’m thirsty. I go to the kitchen for water. What is this rice doing on the shelf? Oh yes, the food. I try to remember the recipe but it’s hard to recall the order the spices have to go in. I pull out my phone. There’s a missed call from Mom. I call back. I try to find something to cook the rice in while talking to Mom. Some cups need to be moved from next to the sink to the cupboard. I pick the cups up and suddenly feel too tired.

I go sit on the couch. I should read a book. I read 10 pages but I can’t remember what I read. I should listen to some music. I look at my list of albums but there’s too much choice. I should see if there’s a new album out. I check a reviews website. I read half an interview with someone and close the tab. I should play a game. But first I’ll respond to email. I open my email but it asks me for a password so I get irritated and close it. I should cook some food.

I go to Twitter and click on an article. I read the first few lines and close the tab. I open the recipe and start collecting the spices. I should just order in. I lie down on the couch.

I constantly want to do something, anything, to take my mind off things. But the moment I start doing anything I lose interest entirely. I hate the music I’m listening to. I hate this book. I hate my phone. I don’t want to be sitting in this chair. Why am I still on this chair? I get up and walk to the couch, I go back to the chair. I refresh Twitter.

• Towards the end of 2021, my doctor suggested that I taper off antidepressants. At the time, I was confident that I’d be able to function normally without medication. I’d been in therapy for more than a year and felt as healthy as I’d ever felt, both physically and mentally. Turns out I was way too optimistic. Things were okay for about two months after I stopped the medication, but now I’m back to a state where it’s hard to function normally.
• It sucks to not be able to live a normal life because your body refuses to squirt the correct chemicals into your brain. I often feel angry and frustrated, but there’s nothing much I can do about how my brain is wired.
• I gave away my ThinkPad X1 Carbon to my parents and replaced it with a beefed-up M1 MacBook Pro. As much as I love desktop Linux, it’s simply not good enough for my needs. All of the basics work fine — often much better than Windows/macOS — but I can’t do much with it without the large ecosystem of applications I have access to on commercial operating systems.
• I’ve been working through the second half of Crafting Interpreters. It’s such a blast! I spend an hour or so every morning reading the book, but I think about it non-stop all the time.
• COVID-19 cases in Bangalore are at an all-time low, so I’m using this opportunity to socialize with as many real human beings as I can until the next wave hits. If you’re in Bangalore, let’s meet up! Your beverage of choice is on me.
• I’ve started Couch to 5K again after a long break. I’m impressed that my body hasn’t lost much stamina after getting COVID and being a potato for two months afterwards. Good job, body! Now if only you could also produce a reasonable amount of serotonin and dopamine.

I will use technology when I judge it to be in my favor to do so. I resist being used by it. In some cases I may have a moral objection. But in most instances, my objection is practical, and reason tells me to measure the results from that point of view. Reason also advises me to urge others to do the same. An example: When I began teaching at NYU, the available instruments of thought and teaching were primitive. Faculty and students could talk, could read, and could write. Their writing was done the way I am writing this chapter—with a pen and pad. Some used a typewriter, but it was not required. Conversations were almost always about ideas, rarely about the technologies used to communicate. After all, what can you say, except that you’ve run out of ink? I do remember a conversation about whether a yellow pad was better than a white pad. But it was inconclusive.

— Neil Postman

Be curious, not judgmental.

— Ted Lasso

This quote is often misattributed to Walt Whitman, but the actual origins of the phrase are unknown. Since I first heard it on Ted Lasso, I’m simply going to assume Lasso came up with it.

Peter Sagal is a radio host, writer, and humorist. Here are his ten rules of Twitter:

In response to narrowly spread demand, here are my Rules of Twitter. Note that each was learned by violating it repeatedly over the years, so don't bother going back in my feed to find contradictions... trust me, I know. pic.twitter.com/QtzhBkx9LP

— @petersagal.bsky.social (@petersagal) October 25, 2021

Since tweets have a habit of disappearing, I’ve transcribed the ten rules below:

1. You will and have regretted many tweets. You will never regret not tweeting.
2. Is it intended to delight, inform, or amuse? Then go ahead. If not, don’t.
3. Never argue with anybody about anything. Really.
4. …except pizza, whether hot dogs are sandwiches, and old movies/TV shows.
5. Don’t say anything about a piece of current art/writing/culture you wouldn’t say to the face of the person who created it.
6. Never promote any info or news unless it comes from a source you would trust to tell you which door the tiger is behind.
7. The only useful purpose of having a bigger platform than other people is to use it to benefit those other people, so boost and recommend widely.
8. Resist the common urge to engage with the one critic rather than the many fans.
9. Never, ever insult anyone personally. Mockery is fine, as long as it is aimed upwards.
10. To survive on the veldt, humans evolved to crave sugars and fats and to get energized by anger and fear. We don’t live on the veldt anymore. Refrain from feeding obsolete hungers.

Joyce Messier: Yes, you and I belong to the supraculture. We’re common, the herd. The music on the radio, the food in the chain restaurant — those are all too popular for the girl in the old-lady rags.

She prefers a fantasy world — an infraculture with its own dress code and vernacular. It is an illusion, I’m afraid. There is no refuge from the supraculture.

Harry: Okay, now explain the same thing — but to a child.

Joyce Messier: I can’t. That’s how simple it is. One may dye their hair green and wear their grandma’s coat all they want. Capital has the ability to subsume all critiques into itself. Even those who would critique capital end up reinforcing it instead…

— from Disco Elysium

When you don’t create things, you become defined by your tastes rather than ability. Your tastes only narrow and exclude people. So create.

— why the lucky stiff

• I’m 31 years old this month. It might be a odd thing to say, but I really enjoy getting older. As I age, I find the the anxieties and hang-ups of youth falling away, making life richer and more enjoyable.
• I was looking forward to spending this weekend catching up with Advent of Code problems. Instead, I was in bed with food poisoning from some bad chicken curry I ate. All I managed to accomplish was listening to old episodes of Conan O’Brian Needs a Friend, which isn’t the worst way to spend a weekend. This episode with J.B. Smoove made me snort with laughter more than once.
• The ThinkPad X1 Carbon I mentioned in my last post was delivered at the end of November. It runs Fedora flawlessly and sports the best keyboard I’ve ever used on a laptop. It’s also significantly lighter than my 2018 MacBook Pro while having twice the RAM, a faster SSD, better processor, and longer battery life. My only real beef with this computer is the Intel processor inside it, which puts a ceiling on the performance and battery life it can deliver compared to the newer M1 MacBooks. Guess you can’t have it all.
• Talking of computers, my iPhone 7 Plus gave up its ghost after five years of service. I’ve replaced it with a new iPhone 13 Pro Max, which feels more like a camera that happens to have a built-in phone than the other way round. I can’t wait to take some photos with this thing once I’m healthy enough to go outside.
• I’m finally tapering off my anxiety medication! I don’t feel any radical changes yet, though I’ve certainly been feeling a bit more emotional than I usually do. Or maybe it’s all in my head? Tune in again next week to find out.
• Dating is hard, news at eleven.

• I’m at that age now where my friends are starting to have kids. I’m more excited about this than I imagined I would be. Babies are dope, y’all.
• On Saturday, @vinaysshenoy got a bunch of book nerds together over Twitter to meet up for a bookstore crawl on Church Street. @neerjargon was kind enough to take a photo.
• I may have talked too much at the bookstore crawl. Do I care? No, I do not. I went outside!! My!! House!!
• Encouraged by the experience I’ve had with Linux on my desktop PC, I put in an order for a tricked out ThinkPad X1 Carbon. If the supply chain gods will it, I should have it in my hands by December.
• I haven’t been able to really enjoy any new music since the pandemic started. I can’t decide whether it’s because of my general mood, my medication, pandemic-induced isolation, a deeper change in my personality, or just a normal consequence of getting older. Regardless, it upsets me when I put on albums that previously moved me to tears and they sound like mere background noise. I’m now expanding my musical taste, listening to genres I would never have tried before, in an attempt to find something that I can connect with. No luck so far.